His Royal Idiocy
by The Potter Identity
Summary: Ron has always been an idiot, but this time his new...experimentations with Lavender Brown are enough to get Hermione a little pissed off, and a little more than horny.
1. Going nowhere

Hey all! I've been really lazy about updating my other fics, hmm should get back to that…but Anyhoo, I wanted to write something quick, funny and fluffy. This is only the first part. I dunno if this should be the first chapter, or if I should do a series of One-shots. Let me know what you think! I just was fishing around for ideas, and I thought, "_Ron is an idiot. AHA!" _and I pretty much went from there. Nothing much new, follows book 6. Just wanted to put it in a wonky voice. This first installment is pretty short, for me at least, but I hope you like, let me know what you think, it would be appreciated!

-Prongspal

Ron was an idiot.

Everyone acknowledged this. He was a lovable idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. His brothers, particularly the twins, never lost an opportunity to enlighten him on the subject, but alas he never did seem to apprehend the matter.

Hermione knew he was an idiot. She was the smartest girl in the school for God's sake; she knew the second she set eyes on him that he was an idiot. She hadn't missed a beat to subtly notify him of the fact by pointing out his obvious ignorance of the dirt that had decided to settle on the exterior of his nose. She knew the moment she looked into those warm brown eyes and saw a rather smaller spark of intelligence than the average 11-year-old, that he was an idiot.

However, what she had not anticipated, and what she had not in all of her useful knowledge been able to convince herself not to do, was that she fell in love with this idiot of all idiots.

Sure Harry was dumb sometimes. Okay he was dumb a lot, but it was dumb in a gloriously brave way, and he also was the luckiest person she had ever met. Seriously, the boy had escaped Voldemort four times, not to mention multiple detentions or worse for his multiple escapades about the school, and beyond. And at least Harry's idiocy made him look good.

With Ron…well lets just say he'd have half the school on his arm if he bothered to use his brain once in a blue moon. She figured that this was probably a good thing, considering she was jealous enough with one girl on his arm, or down his throat…yuck.

She could barely think about them.

The only person in the school that could give Ron a run for his money in the idiot department was the bimbo that was currently halfway down his esophagus.

She would rue the day he ever set eyes on Lavender Brown, or rather Lavender Brown's erm, buxom chest. Hermione wouldn't have considered her own bosom small…but it did lower her respect for Ron, and the hope that he didn't only care about sex. Apparently she was wrong. Very badly, and greatly wrong, as the horrific sight that met her eyes on the common room sofa seemed to indicate.

She hated being wrong, she REALLY hated being wrong. Hermione Granger was never wrong.

So it was for a while that she tried to desperately convince herself that he was just joking around to make a fool out of Lavender, and there was nothing in it really…he actually wanted her, Hermione…he didn't care about breast size, or relative frizziness of hair or…oh God who was she kidding? Ron Weasley was making out with Lavender Brown on the common room sofa, and from the looks of it, highly enjoying the experience.

That was when she got really angry.

What right did he have to do that to her? She, who had been his best friend since he and Harry had saved her life from the troll, she who had probably saved _his_ life multiple times and in multiple ways simply with the power of her superior intellect, she who believed that the idiot had a brain somewhere deep inside, she who had stuck by him in his best and worst of times, she who had loved him for God knows how long.

How could he go and stick his tongue down that tart's throat without a care in the world?

Just when it seemed that they were getting somewhere, he was suddenly cold, rude, the same old Ron, the Ron that she had gotten to know so well, the Ron that she had to deal with when they had an especially bad row.

She remembered how heartbreaking it was in third year when he had been so foul about his bloody rat, which of course, because in contrast with Harry, Ron's luck was horrific, turned out to be a murdering lunatic that was responsible for the death of Harry's parents and the return of Lord Voldemort.

Who would have thought?

It only could have happened to Ron. Always Ron.

But he had become that mean Ron again, and she couldn't bear it anymore. He never knew how much he had made her cry. And Hermione Granger was not a crying girl. She was practical, realistic, down to earth, logical. She did not cry, any sadness she had could usually be explained away within the confines of her brain. She had always been good at controlling her emotions, but never around Ron.

That was the one subject she had yet to master, Love. And currently, she was failing.

He had baffled her beyond all accounts, and all reason. She had tried over and over to convince herself otherwise, but then he would walk into the room with that doofy lopsided grin that he always wore when he wanted her to do work for him, and she would fall head over heels in love with him all over again.

When she had gone out with Viktor Krum in fourth year so many girls had envied her beyond belief. She was constantly dodging attacks from his fan club, and she enjoyed the make out sessions, if anything they were quite enlightening. But they didn't mean anything.

In fact she had gotten a guilty feeling when it occurred to her that every time she kissed Krum she spent most of the time wondering how much better it would be to kiss Ron, how his lips would feel instead of Viktor's, how his smaller nose wouldn't get in the way as much, how his big clumsy hands could be put to good use… in theory it was wrong to feel that way and carry on kissing Viktor, but that didn't stop her.

No one knew about her little infatuation, not Harry, not Parvati or any of the other 6th year girls, not Luna, not even Ginny, and most certainly not Ron.

It was probably her best-kept secret.

She didn't quite know why she hid it from Ginny, however she had a hankering that Ginny was hiding a little crush from her as well, and Hermione had a good idea who.

She remembered that when Ginny first went out with Michael Corner how she had happily gone on about how she was completely over Harry and her silly childhood crush.

Hermione however, knew better.

She saw how Ginny still looked at him, a look of longing in her eyes that only another girl could understand, Ginny had just gotten better at hiding it, and her increasing popularity made it easier for her to face Harry.

She had a slightly nervous feeling that Ginny knew about her secret too, but she never said a word, never hinted at anything.

When Ron and "Lav-Lav" had started going out…no that's wrong, had started making out, she hadn't said a word, she'd only made herself a little more available than perhaps Dean would have liked, for Hermione's sake.

Ginny was a good friend, she knew when Hermione was upset or stressed out, often far before the two boys noticed a thing.

Hermione wasn't sure if this was Ginny just being her wonderful self, or whether she had just picked an especially dumb pair of friends to spend time with, she figured it was a combination of the two.

But to face the facts, Hermione Granger was in love with Ron Weasley and he was…well he was an idiot.


	2. Luck has nothing to do with it

Ok, I'm back with a vengeance! Actually I just like this fic, it's a little easier to write than others cause it follows the 6th book closely and I don't have to bother thinking about such things as plot and character…what a concept! Anyway, I think this will be a three-shot, but we'll see where it goes. Here is my little disclaimer if anyone actually cares…which they don't. I find them to be utterly pointless, but here it is, I am not JK Rowling. Therefore, following all reasonable logic, I did not create these characters, and I am most certainly not making money off of them. Now I could put in the over used line in which I remind the already bored audience that I wouldn't be writing this if I were JK, but I'll save you the trouble. Anyway, back to the point, please enjoy!

Chapter 2

_"Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals." William Shakespeare_

Hermione's superior intellect had always placed her among people who obviously did not have the capability to think on the same level as she. However, she somehow still harbored a general impatience for those who just didn't get it. Especially those who made no effort whatsoever to think on their own.

When Ron had begun "dating" Lavender she had refused to talk to him, and obviously refused to do his work for him. She was somewhat pleased to see him struggling in his academics; his grades dropping even lower than his average poor performance. She got a small thrill out of the failed papers that Snape would hand back to him, the extra study work Flitwick had assigned and the detention that McGonagall had awarded him for his lack of interest or effort.

She had extra time on her hands, a freedom that she wasn't used to, that made her _almost_ want to just go and do the bloody essays for him anyway. _Almost_.

However, Christmas was coming fast and Hermione HAD been planning on asking him to go to Slughorn's party. She was planning on covering it up by telling Harry and Ginny that it was to make him feel better, but she had secretly hoped that perhaps the Christmas spirit, firewhiskey that was bound to be snuck in, and perhaps the magic of the mistletoe would be enough to start something between them, but that was when he had started to ignore her.

She didn't know what she had done to deserve the cold shoulder from him, but she was convinced that knowing Ron, the reason was probably something very silly and childish and would only upset her more when she found out. And then there was that party after the Quidditch match…

She tried to get the image of Ron's tongue down Lavender Brown's throat, his face hot with the flush in his cheeks, her little moans, her moving to straddle him as they got a few whistles… she couldn't take it anymore. She had seen Harry coming in as she ran away trying to get a hold of herself before she burst into tears in front of the whole common room or started another row.

That's what happened when Ron was being a real prick, they had a row. It wasn't always fun, or a good thing, it usually left her angry and hurt, but right now all she wanted to do was yell at the idiot and remind him of how stupid he was being, how he didn't seem to care about anyone's feelings except his own, or rather his…well…you get the picture.

So it was that Hermione Granger decided to take revenge on the king of Idiots. She knew exactly how to do it too, she was going to pick the boy that Ron hated the most and ask HIM to Slughorn's party instead. Now she knew the worst possible choice would be Malfoy, but even she wouldn't dare ask a Slytherin out. Not to mention he would probably hex her out of her mind if she even so much as suggested it. Good looking or not, which he most certainly was, all the girls acknowledged this, he was still a Slytherin and a fuckwit.

Who else would Ron be disgusted and repulsed to see her with? Who could she stand? She had, after a great amount of thought gotten down to Zacharias Smith and Cormac McLaggen. Neither was particularly appealing to her, but she knew they would drive Ron up the wall. She opted for McLaggen. At least he was a Gryffindor…

The plot worked…to a degree. Ron, to her utter enjoyment was furious. But she had not expected McLaggen to be so, er, physical. He had kissed her a little too roughly when they met up to leave for the party, and once they arrived he seemed to gravitate toward every single piece of mistletoe in the room. She doubted that she could have located them all even if she tried. He did however and soon she was reduced to dodging out of his reach among the many people in the crowded room. All in all it was a pretty horrific evening, and on looking back she decided it was probably not worth the mild satisfaction that was Ron's angry face at the mention of his name.

She never thought that she would get so much joy from causing anyone pain, certainly not him. But jealousy does that to a girl, and she was suffering from a very bad case.

Things changed very soon though. Just when she thought that she could never forgive him, and was planning to ignore him completely until he apologized, something happened that shook her up completely.

Ron was poisoned. The idiot was poisoned and Harry somehow got over his normal idiocy and saved his life…again. The boy seemed to have a talent for saving people's lives that only someone with that much gut and quick reflexes could do. But Harry would now never understand how much this had meant to her. She felt completely indebted to him; he had saved Ron's life. Ron had almost died.

In all her jealousy and anger and hurt she had never so much as thought of what it would have been like to loose Ron. If the small glow in those warm brown eyes were to suddenly go out. If she would never see that familiar mop of flaming red hair bobbing above everyone else, the flush of embarrassment that she saw so often, his ears going pink, and his smile when she would push back his corrected homework and he would give her a small, genuine, "thanks 'mione."

She hadn't realized how much _he_ meant to her. She had spent so much of her time trying to convince herself that she didn't love him, didn't need him, didn't care about him. But she did. She couldn't imagine what would have become of her if he was gone.

When she had heard that he had been poisoned it felt as though someone had simply snatched all breath, her chest constricted, her throat closed up, the blood rushed from her face, and she felt faint. When Ginny told her that he was alive, Harry had saved him, she had breathed an audible sigh of relief. But her fears were not fully quenched. She had hurried down to the hospital wing following Ginny without a word. She was thankful that her friend had come to get her. She knew that as his sister she would want to be with him, but she had found it in her heart to come find Hermione first, to bring her down to Ron.

She didn't know how long they had sat there, staring at his limp form. He had a cold sweat on his face, his features completely still, his hair damp and his skin unusually pale. She had come in quietly, Ginny had told her that Madame Pomfrey said he would pull through and that she was doing all she could to help him to a fast and easy recovery.

Still she couldn't shake the feeling that his eyes would never open again. She wished deep in her being that she had just told him how she felt, just put her pride aside and admitted it, when she still had a chance.

She waited and stared at his face, thinking about all the time that they had spent together, regretting every row, every cruel word, cold look, all the times that they had ignored one another, fought, and made Harry suffer through it all too. She needed to apologize, if only he would wake up, she was ready to admit everything.

The other Weasleys arrived soon however and she, Harry and Hagrid were obliged to leave. It was a wrench to leave his side, when her heart was full of the hope that he would wake up, just for her. But as they left his eyes remained painfully shut. She caught Ginny's apologetic look as she got up to leave, the look that said _it should be you not me staying here with him_. Hermione didn't know how she could ever thank Ginny for her kindness in the whole matter, but having her friend know about how she felt for Ron turned out to be a greater comfort than an embarrassment. Ginny was always there for her, and as far as she was concerned, she would return the favor.

She had been watching Harry closely and his interest in Ginny and Dean's relationship seemed a little too great for just a family friend. She could only hope that he was finally beginning to fall for Ginny Weasley. In her opinion Cho had never been anything special, and though she had supported Harry through the pangs and angst of his affection for the Ravenclaw, she had always been a little peeved on behalf of Ginny.

Ginny had grown a lot since she and Harry had first met. Hermione had little doubt that she was one of the most popular girls in her year and was somewhat astounded that Harry had not noticed her sooner. The girl was bloody gorgeous! How could he be so blind? However with Ron as an example of the simplicity and shallowness of the teenage male's mind, she had an idea why.

She had returned day after day to see Ron and was thrilled to find that he had awoken, the next time she went to visit. He was lively and talkative though often his eagerness would cause him to overexert himself and he would consequently flinch in pain and sink back down onto his load of pillows. Ron always did seem to need half a million pillows to sleep.

She had been so relieved to see him generally well again that she was on the verge of just coming clean, apologizing for everything and telling him how she felt. But he was so much himself again, that she temporarily forgot his close encounter with death and fell back into her fear and shyness. It was so wonderful to be talking to him again though. He seemed especially glad to be on speaking terms again and used the time she spent with him in the hospital wing to make up for lost time, talking quickly and animatedly.

However, it was not just the long happy conversations they had that brought her the real joy in the following days, but rather the news that Lavender Brown had not been able to see him yet. Apparently he had always been "asleep" when she came around to visit.

Hermione found a great victory in this news and enjoyed it with great relish. He would always be awake when SHE came to see him. He would talk for hours if SHE had the time to spare. He would always be excited to see HER. But he would fake sleep every time Lavender came around. She knew that it was vexing Lavender a great deal because Harry was complaining about her constant pestering concerning Ron.

Also Hermione had overheard Lavender complaining to Parvati about Ron possibly not wanting to see her and how no one had told her about him getting poisoned and did Parvati think he didn't love her anymore, and what should she do?

Hermione knew it was a little evil to take joy in Lavender's despair, but it was the best that she had felt in months and let her be cursed forever if she didn't enjoy it.

Not long after Ron was finally released from Madame Pomfrey's obsessive care, she, Harry and Ron were all up in the boy's dormitory getting filled in on Harry's latest lesson with Dumbledore. He had decided to use the Felix Felicis to tempt the memory out of Slughorn and they weren't able to convince him otherwise. So it was that Harry disappeared under the invisibility cloak and unwittingly killed two birds with one stone.

It had not occurred to them that without Harry in plain view descending the boy's staircase with them, it looked like the two of them had definitely been up to something, or at least that's what the livid Lavender that they found at the foot of the stairs seemed to think.

Hermione wondered if she too had swallowed some of the felix felicis, because this was her lucky day. Lavender had a long impassioned fit of screaming which Ron weathered pretty well, having the decency to look sorry as she railed at him in a volume that would have given Ms. Weasley a run for her money.

When Lavender finished her looong tirade she finally demanded, "AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY ANYTHING?" Ron looked at her and looked at Hermione then gave a sheepish "No." Lavender looked extremely hurt, but determined to be the doing the dumping and not being the one being thrown over, she screeched. "FINE THEN! THAT IS IT! WE ARE OVER! I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!" "Quite" Ron muttered in response under his breath. She didn't hear, but Hermione did and couldn't resist a small smile.

When Lavender was gone Ron let out a loud sigh and plopped down into an armchair with a look of immense relief and content on his face. He closed his eyes. "Thank Merlin that's over." His eyes popped open and viewed her quizzically; they then darted to the chair beside him as a simple invitation. She came and sat beside him, her heart all aflutter and lighter than it had been in ages, a small smile playing at her lips.

He immediately began to talk about how glad he was that he was finally rid of Lavender and spent the rest of the evening detailing exactly why it had been a bad relationship to begin with and apologizing for being so out of touch during his little make-out sessions. All the while raising her spirits in every way.

He may have been an idiot. He probably still was an idiot, but perhaps not as much of an idiot as she had thought.

Hey! Hope you all liked that later installment. It was a good deal longer than the last, and a little more plot driven, but I hope to put a little more fun with fluff and angst into the next chapter. Also, a bit more on Harry and Ginny, I do love them sooo much. Anyhoo, any reviews would be appreciated as always; I swear I write just for the reviews! They make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks all and see you next time!

-Prongspal


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